alexis takes philosophical thought

Yes, this is a scary world. We Americans continues to learn through history about our bold conquest for independence, and our subsequent development of power for the years to come. But what is failed to be emphasized is what the United Sates of America destroyed in the process. How someone really obtains power. Either you deceive, cheat, destroy, and take control, or your Gandhi. And I can tell you with almost certain conviction that Gandhi is not American.

Starting with the founders of our whole country, a lot of whom were truly amazing souls, we fucked the indigenous people of North America. Literally and figuratively. And later made slaves of the Africans, and when we couldn't legally do that anymore, we went into their country and seized all their resources. And we are still making obvious excuses to do the same exact thing in the Middle East. And even if Barack Obama is as good a man as we all want to think, he will sacrifice other peoples' well being for the success of America. To indulge our dependence on capitalist consumerism. Because if he didn't, everyone would be pissed. Except maybe the indigenous people... which doesn't matter because technically we just own them and their land anyway.

And here I sit in Central America feeling sorry for myself because children here want to take advantage of my wealth by making me feel uncomfortable. That I have some right to walk through their streets with more money in my pocket than their family will make in their entire lifetime, and buy cheap drinks with it. That I have some right to witness the beauty of their country and their culture when they themselves can't.

Privileged to be American? In so many ways that I will never understand, yes. Proud? It's hard to say. Missing something? I will never know or be able to live simply. I will never be a part of any other lifestyle than the Western one, one which I cannot help but be ashamed of.

There are a lot of GOOD people in my country. Ignorant as all of us are, (because it is impossible to even begin to understand the perspectives of every single real person that lives on this Earth in a developing country, let alone consider them on a daily basis) I do know and love my life, my people, and I recognize the goodness of the souls I am surrounded by in normal life. But it really only takes a handful of people whose sense of greed overpowers all others, and convince themselves, and then others, that wealth (even if obtained through injustice) is what we need.

And so the United States of America owns the world. Any thing that we don't own is by our own choice that it's not something that we want. And if we change our minds, that with change with the strike of a match.

I am ashamed that I am angered by children who mug and prostitute themselves here. Because, if they understood it, they could look me in the face and say, "This is your fault. Your country is doing this. You are part of the problem." But I am scared of activism, and I will continue to wallow in guilt and try my hardest to help a different cause.

I write this as I sit in some scary Americanized mall watching Shakira's latest music video. I am repulsed, but so helpless. I think this development has come too far to turn back now. Too many Americans have died in Iraq to decide that maybe it was stupid to go there in the first place. Too many people in developing countries want to live like Americans--too many people envy me! Because I am blonde, fair, and fattening. And so our world has hopped on the capitalist consumerism train! And I am too scared to get off, really, because if I would even mention the word communism, it would start a war.

I feel like I am rewriting the Poisonwood Bible, which I just finished reading. But it is impossible not to be shocked by reading that, even within the last forty years, one dictator in one small country was murdering sickening numbers of innocent people, and imprisoning more, all while I am sitting pretty in a country that is probably equally as corrupt. And witnessing firsthand the United States' government pour money into the pocket of another evil dictator. Well, maybe not anymore, it's hard to say after the 2007 election. BUT it IS hard to say! I have no clue how many people on this Earth have been and are being fucked by my tax dollars.

How DARE anyone attack our country through terrorism. But who can really blame them? If bombing two of the most symbolic buildings in our country doesn't make us listen, what will? WE are the terrorists! We control everything. We destroy everything that doesn't benefit us! And no matter how hard we try, one corrupt person can have the power of a billion, and my lust for peace on this day just leaves a puddle on this Earth where I sit at this moment that will evaporate and join all the unaccounted for pollution in the global atmosphere. One person in charge of a massive industrial company can emit millions of tons of carbon without flinching. Millions of scientists who spend their whole lives flinching about it cannot even make a dent in taking it back out again. And so it goes.

I suppose I could be a missionary and preach my peace to whoever will listen and consider being convinced. But there are just too many people who won't listen. And who is to say that anyone really should? I probably wouldn't. We are among a self-perpetuating existence of not listening. Who is capable of leading, or first inventing, a plan for radical justice? Is it possible? That is a train I would like to get on, if it is. In the meantime, I will keep going to Unitarian Church.